To those of you familiar with the beautiful French language,
the above lines might serve as a reminder of fancy, soft-lit restaurants, and exquisite
dining experiences. Hold that thought, and take a quick tumble warp back to the
present before you are too far gone! For now, we speak not of British
breakfasts of soft bread egg-and-cheese sandwiches, and steaming coffee; nor of
princely Bengali lunches with five different kinds of curry: gently teasing shaag (greens), begun/potol bhaja (fried pointed gourd/brinjal, chingrir malaikari/ilish bhapa (the
first is a prawn delicacy prepared with coconut water, and the latter could be
roughly translated as steamed Hilsa), followed
by murgir/pathar mangsho (chicken/mutton),
and something slightly sweet after; not least of all of festival-time dinners
of biriyani, with a side dish of Rizala! No, no, Oh no! I have done it again,
haven’t I?
Now I am not entirely ignorant when it comes to cooking, I
mean, I’ve read Cooking for Dummies
cover to cover (duh!), and seen my mother, and aunts cook! Having said that, it
is also important I mention that I have never
actually cooked anything before! <sheepish grin>
For those of you who don’t already know, I am now a resident
of the small town of Nuzvid (also Nuzivid, and Nuzividu), approximately 50 kms
from Vijayawada, in Andhra Pradesh. My contract-based job as Lecturer at RGUKT
(more popularly known as AP IIIT) has given me, in addition to about a thousand
students (some of whom are older than me!!), a 2-BHK flat to call home. And in
the space of these three months, I have purchased quite a lot of stuff, mostly
books, and an aquarium, but also the afore-mentioned induction cooktop (which
came with a wee sandwich maker), and last week, some vegetables, a packet of butter,
and some much needed cutlery.
These have been adding beauty to my kitchen space for at least
a week now, and I have often wandered in (I tend to do that a lot, while
spinning long-tailed yarns in my over-imaginative head), and wondered if I
could actually whip something delicious out of my meagre supplies. Sometimes I
have also stridden in purposely, head full of recipes and images of Spanish omelets,
roast turkey (sadly, yes), chocolate mousses, and muffins (courtesy Cooking for Dummies), ready to wow the
world with my hitherto unknown culinary skills! These generally ended in a quiet
trip back (Please insert the ‘tail between the legs’ metaphor here) to the clichéd
bachelor world of lying around, and listening to heavy bass tracks.
This morning would have been no different had I not suddenly
remembered on my way to the mess (which, by the way HCU-ites, is way better than
HCU!) that Tuesdays are the fateful days when they serve Lemon Rice!! No
offence lemon rice lovers, but trust me no matter how good the mess, you do NOT
want lemon rice; it actually makes you realize why a mess has been so (and
aptly, might I add) named.
So, I trudged back to my quarters, and took a deep breath,
and picked up a bread slice in one hand, and a Chef’s knife in another (Sorry, but
nowhere in Nuzvid could I find a butter knife.) At this point I would like to
quickly enlist the sympathy of all those who have ever gone into the kitchen
with absolutely NO ONE to help you (Hint! Hint! You ruthless judging types!)
For those of you who can’t even imagine what I am talking about (Really?!),
think of this as an exam: No matter how well-prepared you are, it always gives
you that queasy feeling in your stomach.) If you are the type that never
understood what the big deal about an exam was… well, you are too far gone to
help, anyway.
Now, and come back to my kitchen, will you? While you have
been wasting my breath with infinite argumentative possibilities, the 8 o’clock
version of myself in the kitchen has almost moved on to the sunny side up egg!
Quick!
So, after being immortalized for an infinite second forever
in Time, with the bread and the knife, I dipped the latter in the butter,
scooped some out, and applied it to both sides of the bread slice, needless to
say, getting my entire palm all greasy in the process! K I then proceeded to do this
to SIX slices of bread! Phew! Before this, I had already diced some tomatoes,
and chilies (Do you dice chilies, or do you chop them? Oh, who cares!) I know I
could have mentioned the tomatoes first, but I couldn’t resist! You know how
they say in Cookery shows, “…now keep such-and-such thing aside, and go back to
the vegetables that we had chopped up earlier…” I know its lame, you don’t have
to tell me! Put up with a first-timer’s fancies, will you?
Well, after I had greased more than just the bread, I put
the tomatoes and chilies in between, and carried the whole (wobbly) thing to
the sandwich maker! While I waited with bated breath for the light to turn
green, I realized I would need more than just 3 sandwiches to fill my stomach.
Eggs, I thought! When the light did turn green, I got the “sandwich” out. Note
to self: Got to get the big bread slices next time round. At least, that way,
they’ll look much more presentable. When it comes to cooking (or anything at
all, for that matter), even if you don't do the MAIN job well, embellishing it with a
fancy cover (story?) always works: the pros of a world that judges everything
by the cover!
After the last sandwich was out, I turned to the cooktop,
and placed my virgin-but-for-noodles Bergner pot <smug smile>, (actually that’s
all I’ve got by way of utensils), and poured some mustard oil in. The oil got
heated, I broke the egg, and poured it in. Now, I would have LOVED to say it
was done flawlessly, but alas! The crack on the egg wasn’t enough, and I had to
perform a kind of jiggle wiggle dance with the egg yolk as it clung stubbornly
to the shell, and the egg white sputtered in the pot below! It did let go
ultimately, but broke in the process, and while it was still sunny side up, it
looked nothing like the sun. I sprinkled some salt, and garnished it with a few
chopped chilies from before.
Finally through with the ordeal, I carried my humble attempt
to the hall, and sat down to eat with a knife, and a fork - for the egg. (For
future reference, the spoon probably works better!) Briefly nostalgic, I wished
for a brief second that I had a TV to watch as I sat there munching. The moment
passed, and with a last loving look at the ‘delicacy’ that lay spread out before
me, I tucked in.
And, to tell you the truth, it wasn’t half bad. J
I will not bore you with details of what happened after (the
cleaning up, basically), and let you resume your own lives in peace, without
further ado. I cannot really ask you to keeping checking this space for more,
as I honestly don’t know when I’ll update next. But you never know! This is my
first prose update, let me know what you think of it. J
With my first breakfast all gone, I’m tempted to attempt
something more ambitious next time. But time and tide wait for no man, and I
honestly don't know when I’ll venture into the kitchen (to cook) again. But I am also
more confident now. The first time wasn't so bad, now was it? (Now, now! Be
nice.)So, if I invite you to breakfast some time, I guess I’ll have to leave the
choice of showing up up to you! Till then, Au revoir!
